“Talking to Children about War and Terrorism: 20 Tips for Parents” offers
ways to talk to children about terrorism during the anniversary of September 11.
Written by AACAP member David Fassler, M.D., on behalf of the AACAP Work Group
on Consumer Issues, the tips provide parents with simple ways to have an open
dialogue with children, answer children’s questions about terrorism, identify
physical symptoms that may indicate stress or anxiety, and work with school
personnel concerning classroom discussions about September 11.
TALKING
TO CHILDREN
ABOUT
WAR
AND
TERRORISM: 20
TIPS FOR PARENTS
by
David G. Fassler, MD
As the anniversary of the September 11 terrorist attacks on the U.S.
approaches, once again, parents and teachers are faced with the challenge of
explaining war and terrorism to their children. Although these are
understandably difficult conversations, they are also extremely important. While
there's no "right" or "wrong" way to have such discussions,
there are some general concepts and suggestions that may be helpful. These
include:
- Create an open and supportive
environment where children know they can ask questions. At the same time,
it's best not to force children to talk about things until they're ready.
- Give children honest answers
and information. Children will usually know, or eventually find out, if
you're "making things up". It may affect their ability to trust
you or your reassurances in the future.
- Use words and concepts
children can understand. Gear your explanations to the child's age, language
and developmental level.
- Be prepared to repeat
information and explanations several times. Some information may be hard to
accept or understand. Asking the same question over and over may also be a
way for a child to ask for reassurance.
- Acknowledge and validate the
child's thoughts, feelings and reactions. Let them know that you think their
questions and concerns are important and appropriate.
- Be reassuring, but don't make
unrealistic promises. It's fine to let children know that they are safe in
their house or in their school. But you can't promise children that no more
planes will crash or that no one else will get hurt.
- Remember that children tend to
personalize situations. For example, they may worry about friends or
relatives who live in a city or state directly or indirectly associated with
any of the recent terrorist incidents.
- Help children find ways to
express themselves. Some children may not want to talk about their thoughts,
feelings or fears. They may be more conformable drawing pictures, playing
with toys, or writing stories or poems.
- Avoid stereotyping groups of
people by country or religion. Use the opportunity to explain prejudice and
discrimination and to teach tolerance.
- Children learn from watching
their parents and teachers. Children will be very interested in how you
respond to events in the world. They will also notice changes in your
routines such as reducing business travel or modifying vacation plans, and
they will learn from listening to your conversations with other adults.
- Let children know how you're
feeling. It's OK for children to know if you are anxious, confused, upset or
preoccupied by local or international events. Children will usually pick it
up anyway, and if they don't know the cause, they may think it's their
fault. They may worry that they've done something wrong.
- Don't let children watch lots
of TV with violent or upsetting images. The repetition of frightening scenes
of planes crashing or buildings falling down can be very disturbing to young
children. Ask local TV stations and newspapers to limit the repetition of
particularly frightening or traumatic scenes. Many media outlets have been
receptive to such overtures.
- Help children establish a
predictable routine and schedule. Children are reassured by structure and
familiarity. School, sports, birthdays, holidays and group activities all
take on added importance.
- Don't confront your child's
defenses. If a child is reassured that things are happening "very far
away" it's probably best not to argue or disagree. The child may be
telling you that this is how they need to think about things right now in
order to feel safe.
- Coordinate information between
home and school. Parents should know about activities their child's school
has planned. Teachers should know about discussions which take place at
home, and about any particular fears, concerns or questions a child may have
mentioned.
- Children who have experienced
trauma or losses in the past are particularly vulnerable to prolonged or
intense reactions to the recent tragedies. These children may need extra
support and attention.
- Monitor for physical symptoms
including headaches and stomachaches. Many children express anxiety through
physical aches and pains. An increase in such symptoms without apparent
medical cause may be a sign that a child is feeling anxious or overwhelmed.
- Children who are preoccupied
with questions about war, fighting or terrorism should be evaluated by a
trained and qualified mental health professional. Other signs that a child
may need additional help include ongoing trouble sleeping, intrusive
thoughts, images, or worries, or recurring fears about death, leaving their
parents or going to school. Ask your child's pediatrician, family
practitioner or school counselor to help arrange an appropriate referral.
- Help children reach out and
communicate with others. Some children may want to write to the President or
to a State or local official. Other children may want to write a letter to
the local newspaper. Still others may want to send thoughts to soldiers or
to families who lost relatives in the recent tragedies.
- Let children be children.
Although many parents and teachers follow the news and the daily events with
close scrutiny, many children just want to be children. They may not want to
think about what's happening halfway around the world. They'd rather play
ball, climb trees or go sledding.
Recent events are not easy for anyone to comprehend or
accept. Understandably, many young children feel confused, upset and anxious. As
parents, teachers and caring adults, we can best help by listening and
responding in an honest, consistent and supportive manner.
Fortunately, most children, even those exposed to trauma, are quite
resilient. Like most adults, they will get through this difficult time and go on
with their lives. However, by creating an open environment where they feel free
to ask questions, we can help them cope and reduce the risk of lasting emotional
difficulties.
Dr. Fassler is a child and adolescent
psychiatrist practicing in Burlington, Vermont. He is the author of "Help
Me, I'm Sad: Recognizing, Treating and Preventing Childhood and Adolescent
Depression," (Viking, 1997). He is also a member of the Work Group on
Consumer Issues of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.